

How come they don't exist? I believe part of that answer lies in the acknowledgement of our individuality, and that although our paths may look and feel similar, it serves to draw us deeper into the contemplation of what makes us unique beings; and what makes our paths bespoke experiences.
Let me ask you; are you reluctant to heal? Before you answer, pause, and feel that out completely. Some of you may receive an answer immediately, and some may need to allow the question to sit for a while. If your answer is yes, welcome to your unfolding, or at least another layer of it. I hope by now you've heard somewhere that healing is NOT a linear process, and the process involves returning to the same place many times, at a deeper level.
There is though something to be said about our lineage and healing; whether we have examples of what wellness and what an approach to healing looks like.
Perhaps you have looked to your family of origin for an idea or their blueprint for how to do life, raise children, engage in business and relationships, serve your community or simply how to feel about certain things. This is quite common, and not wrong in any way of course. What happens though when you want or experience something different, and the blueprint for it doesn't exist?
Scary, rough, lonely, alone, torn, unsafe, anxiety, panic, freeze, tears, lost, guilty; these are some of the many experiences I've seen and heard expressed to me, by clients who want to heal, are willing, however at some point in their process have to rumble with their fear and reluctance to heal certain places inside of them. Sometimes these places present as a person or relationship, and their attachment to it. It's a biggie! For good reason, because dealing with how we attach brings us directly into alignment with all the places we need to do the work of separation. In order to individuate, and ultimately acknowledge our path as different to our parents, and family of origin, or as a separate entity to another.
I am aware that using words like separation and individuation in some communities can seem threatening, and from my experience in my own often is. It is often associated with being cut off and or cutting physical, and family ties or distancing ourselves from our communities and culture, and in some cases religion. Let me be clear this is not what is meant by separation and individuation, nor would any competent practitioner advocate for this, unless there was severe abuse and unsafety for the individual. Rather that emotional separation is necessary, and in some instances imperative for a healthy and integrated self to develop and form.
However, from 17 years of observation and work in my own- brown Muslim community I've come to acknowledge we do not know how to do this, allow it, and in some cases is work we do not respect, and are deeply unconscious of. And this is the very thing that makes the work of healing so challenging and arduous, because we have little reference for separation and togetherness, and that both can exist simultaneously. A lot like our need for boundaries alongside our need for connection and intimacy, this is after all what makes healthy attachment and interdependent relationships possible.
The work of separation and individuation, especially between parent and child is anxiety provoking, hence separation anxiety; and has a period of grief attached to it. It would serve us well as parents and children to keep this in mind and heart as these transitions occur. Naming it and talking about it with each other can be helpful but transition we must. What does it look like? Mostly it looks like healthy boundaries.
It is my view that although the responsibility for this dynamic lie with both parties involved in the work of separation, provided it is two adults, to a large degree the work of compassionately detaching needs to be parent/ primary caregiver lead. In most cases it is the child seeking the permission to grow from the parent/ primary caregiver, and as human nature would have it often seeks approval for this. So, it becomes the work of the parent/ care giver to let go and allow, and for the child to explore the freedom of this separation. Where this does not occur, there is likely dysfunction or a delay and inhibition of independence.
You may have heard of epigenetics- how dis-ease and patterns of illness is passed down genetically, or a form of ancestral work, which includes looking at patterns of unwellness, trauma and how this impacts generation after generation of families and communities. A question I often ask clients grappling with this kind of experience, a belief, or pattern of conditioning is "is this yours?"; meaning does that belong to the individual who is you, or does that belong to your parent, family, community or tribe? Usually following that thread leads us to the places they fear healing, because alongside this is their need to separate in order to land their feet in their true reality, which is different to those who came before them.
As Blake Anden's reflection on healing goes; "What a terrifying thing it is to heal'. It is terrifying to leave behind that which connects us to our people, because in some way it may represent leaving them behind and making our own way. Even walking toward wellness, as much as it is good for us can be met with resistance. And if we have a tendency toward co-dependency and emotional enmeshment, its transformative work. I do believe Anden may be referring to another phenomenon associated with healing too, which is to be well.
To identify with something other than our wounding, and not pathologize our every experience may be the healing we are seeking, and also the very change that creates overwhelm. With enough newness that we could turn away from it. This is why we may continue to choose the same type of relationships, jobs, friendships, business partners and dynamics. Until we make it conscious, and then we have the power to choose differently.
Our wellness and healing then serves as the great distinguisher, the thing that establishes and grounds us in our individuality, while honouring our connection to the ones who made it possible.